A Gooner Wishlist To Santa

Dear Santa,

It is that time of the year that I tell you how great I have been (in this case, I have been a great fan) and how I deserve a visit from you to grant my wishes.

This year however I am transferring my gifts to the Arsenal.......you know, that top club in England that doesn't seem to be at the top any more.

As you know, this is my 14th Christmas as a gooner and by far the worst. If you follow football, you will know that Arsenal have had the
worst start to the season during Wenger's 16 year reign. This has left lots of gooners depressed and hopeless. Due to that, I have decided to forego my wishes so you can give them.

Santa, these are my wishes.

1. Please get Papa Wenger a new coat. He has one made from an old duvet and he gets really hot in it. This interferes with his thinking ability which causes him to make questionable substitutions.

2. Still on Wenger, please get him spectacles. He doesn't seem to see well and thus cannot tell how play is going. This has the same effect as the above said coat.

3. Dear Santa, please ensure during every matchday, the liquid in Papa Wenger's bottle is something expensive (preferably Bourbon Whiskey). This will help him relax especially when the team is losing and it will also save the ground and the waterbottle loads of pain.

4. Dear Santa, please find teams that can accomodate Chamakh, Arshavin, Squillaci, Djourou, Santos, and Fabianski. They are not deadwood (as lots of people say) but they will be if they stay on that bench, and also we need the money to pay other players and sign two or three more.

5. Santa, please buy Arteta and Wilshere new boots. I believe they have the ability to shoot but they hardly ever. I think it is the boots that they have. They are not shooting boots. Kindly get them multipurpose boots that can both pass and shoot. Also include Rosicky on that list for multipurpose shoes.

6. I don't know if this is possible but Santa please get rid of Gervinho's excess imagination. I believe the excess imagination makes him see several areas outside the post as possible goal posts and thus he hits the ball wide.

7. Dear Santa, please return Harry Potter's invisible cloak back. Because all gooners would like to see Podolski more on the pitch.
Danke!

8. Santa, please confirm whether the Arsenal medical team is qualified enough. Because we need Diaby back. Alternatively, make him strong as a mule.

9. Dear Santa, as the Arsenal DNA replicates and duplicates in warrior Wilshere and other young British young gunners, please enable horizontal transfer of Arsenal DNA to Vermaelen, Mertesacker, Sagna, Cazorla and Giroud.

10. Santa, please get the board a cheque book. This may help them invest. The money is there but I believe they don't know how to transfer it from their account to another account. A cheque book would come in handy.

11. Santa, please get Theo Walcott a pen so that he can 'sign da ting'. I think he lost his. Santa, you see this pen may also have another use...refer to wish 10. Maybe the board has no pen to 'sign da cheque'.

12. Santa as you know a trophy has been elusive for the last 7 years. I will take the FA Cup and Champions League, and yes I dare ask this, the Premier League... Okay, we'll take one this time.


That is it for my Arsenal wishes. However, in the holiday spiritplease let me request a few more things albeit for the enemy:

- Please provide a new gum for Alex Ferguson, he seems to be chewing the same one from 1986.

- On behalf of Chelsea, please get Ivanovic and Hazard bigger shorts. They have really tiny ones that make their behinds bubble.

- Please get Gareth Bale of Tottenham and a few others of Manchester United a swimming pool with a diving board.

- Lastly, Santa please get Robin van Persie a helmet...no scratch that..get him a helmet, faceguard, gloves..just get him American football gear in Manchester United colours. Santa, we wouldn't want him brutally murdered by a football.

That is all Santa. Thank you.

Merry Christmas all football fans.

Special Merry Christmas Gunners.


Wished by,
Fridah & Nishanth

An Open Letter to Arsenal Players

Dear Arsenal players,

I use the word 'dear' because I love Arsenal and also because you are an expensive lot to support.
Supporting you has not been easy. I will start by informing you of how hard it is for a female football fan in a third world country where the notion is not widely accepted labeling me 'weird'. It comes with insecurity as I can't watch the game in the house. It is harsh on my pocket (I am unemployed by the way) as I have to buy a drink at the sports bar. Don't forget the time difference and I do love my sleep. It is also not good for my heart because when you lose or draw, I get these mini heart attacks that I am afraid may become the big one that will be the end of me p.s. I am only in my 20s. Despite all these factors, I do my best to watch you, to support you, to defend you, to be proud of you and love you lose, draw or win.
You're playing worse every day and right now you're playing like the middle of next week.
I am hating this relationship as you do not give as you receive. So here is what I want from each you... and it's not much to ask:

Dear Wojo,
I appreciate the work you do. However, sometimes your positioning is so poor I am tempted to send you a compass. Your confidence is great but sometimes it borders on cockiness and at times it is not there. Balance that! Thank you.


Dear Sagna,
You have developed to one of the best right backs in the game,if not the best. Of late however,your game has been off. Please go back to the old you and send those crosses in. Stick to your name... Mr.Reliable.


Dear Jenko,
Your game has brilliantly improved it seems like a miracle. I trust you would do anything for your boyhood team so please improve your ball distribution skills and pass the ball quicker. Thank you.


Dear Per,
I love the way you play. You have saved the team lots. I would like to ask you to improve your pace but that needs a miracle. You can however use your great vision to organize the defence i.e. be more vocal. Also, use your good distribution skills to start attacking faster.
Danke.


Dear Koscielny,
You have been great since your arrival and you have improved. However, you get sloppy at times. Please be consistent.


Dear Vermaelen,
Captain,your confidence has been low and this has badly affected your performance. You were made a leader because you have the qualities. I need you to believe in yourself and your teammates and get out of the hole the team is in. Also, please go back to scoring. Thank you.

Dear Gibbs,
You have been great so far. You could improve on your crossing ability though. In the spirit of teamwork,please teach your teammates how to do sliding tackles. Thanks.

Dear Arteta,
I know you are playing a new role this season. This means you have to be more careful with your tackles (talk to Gibbs). Also, try to pass forward and less sideways and backwards. Lastly, SHOOT. You used to.
Why did you stop?

P.S. I love your hair.

Dear Jack,
Your vision,accuracy and strength amaze me. However, your temper is horrible. Nobody needs your temper,so don't lose it. Also shoot more often. Thank you.

Dear Aaron,
I am one of your few genuine fans. I believe you can prove your haters wrong if only you didn't hold the ball too long and just played simple touches. Also improve your crossing and defending. Thanks.


Dear Gervais,
You have the ability to get past defenders but your final touch...my oh my! Please pass or shoot quicker. Basically, think and make your decision faster. Thanks.

Dear Santi,
You have been amazing since your arrival. Amazing and just fun to watch. Lethargy has creeped into your performance crippling it. That
is EPL for you. Get a massage, relax and play. Thank you.


Dear Diaby,
Please stop getting injured. That is all. Thanks.


Dear Rosicky,
Glad to have you back. Please steer a come back. Thank you...
Oh and don't get injured.

Dear Podolski,
Thank you for the goals and assists so far. During matches please stop acting like a ghost and disappearing. Fight for the ball...look for
the ball hard. Also shoot more often. Thanks.


Dear Theo,
You have been sensational and deadly so far. Please improve your 1st touch and timing of runs. Thanks.

P. S. Sign da ting.

Dear Ox,
So far I can't complain much but please stop disappearing during matches and also track back when you lose possession. Thanks.

Dear Giroud,
I am glad that you started scoring. Now,please continue. Enoùgh said. Merci.

Yes I know our relationship is long distance but I am loyal to you so be loyal to me. Just make me happy.

COYG.

Yours truly,
Suffering fan.

Written By: Fridah Kariuki